Thursday, January 28, 2010

Paradox


the definition of restless:
I sit at this desk
stare at this screen
gaze out this window
and dream
of a life that is mine 
not only on the weekend.


the definition of guilt:
I hear legions
of countrymen 
yearning to 
sit at a desk
stare at a screen
gaze out a window
and get paid in the process.


is it possible
to be grateful
yet
dissatisfied?


- Faith M. (aka me)

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Still Proud





 
One year ago today, I stood with more than two million people in biting cold to witness the inauguration of Barack Hussein Obama.  That morning Washington, D.C. surpassed Disney World as the most magical place on Earth...in a Twilight Zone kind of way.  The multitudes of people were eerily quiet heading to the National Mall.  It's like everybody was in awe or disbelief, or maybe we were just taking it all in.

But human beings tend to have short memories.  We get used to things.  We're quickly jaded.  We go on about our business and our lives.  But occasionally when I see Obama on TV, I still myself, and think about the historical significance of this presidency.  I listen to his words, note his stature.

And one year later, I'm still proud.

Read:

Friday, January 15, 2010

Find You, Find Love: 'Til Death Do Us Part...No Murder Involved


Image by Allie Hylton



Check out the Find You, Find Love post for context.

17.  Does the idea of being married to the same person for the rest of your life sound appealing to you or not so appealing?  What is it about it that you especially like or not like?

Even though my parents divorced and most of the married couples I know closely would rather be on the moon than in their marital unions, I still find it appealing.  

What I find most appealing is being able to love and do for a man without (in theory) worrying about his motives and true feelings.  

It means being “all in,” which you can't do with every Ronnie, Ricky, and Mike.   When you're single and dating, you have to watch your back.  And while dating can be fun, it incurs a heaping dose of caution.  It's riding a bike with a helmet and knee pads, swimming with a life vest.  You can never truly let your guard down.  

So yeah, I do look forward to being in a relationship where I can give all of me and not worry about feeling stupid because he doesn't feel the same way.

[Delect Inject: Okay, just feel the need to say this.  I'm aware that husbands make wives feel stupid too.  And yes, I know marriage is not a walk in the park.  No rose-colored glasses here, folks (see first sentence of this column).]

What I especially don't like about the idea of being married is for a man to feel obligated to be with me.  

I'm not into making people do what they don't want to do, whether it's loaning me money or giving me a ride.  (That's why I sucked at telemarketing.)  I'm quick to say, "You know what?  Don't worry about it," if I detect too much hesitation.  Maybe it's pride.

When it comes to relationships, I've grown to the point where if the other party is no longer interested, I won't stand in his way to leave.  I just don't feel I need to force someone to be with me.  

"And I don't want to make you unhappy/If you're not happy than you're free to go on/'Cause I don't want you stayin' around/If I make you so miserable." 

-Fantasia "Free Yourself"

I don't want a man sticking around because he fears I'm going to burn up his clothes, scratch up his car, slice off his penis, or worse, kill him or myself.  In other words, I'd try to make it as smooth as possible for him to exit if that is his wish.

By no means am I saying I can't work through problems.  People that know me know I'm as diplomatic and let's-sit-down-and-talk-about-our-feelings-Dr. Phil-style as they come.  It's a Libra thing.

But in the event my husband resigns to staying in the marriage out of obligation...because he doesn't believe in divorce or because of the kids or for any other reason besides the love he has for me...I'd have to seriously overhaul my mentality to deal with that.