Friday, January 15, 2010

Find You, Find Love: 'Til Death Do Us Part...No Murder Involved

Image by Allie Hylton

Check out the Find You, Find Love post for context.

17.  Does the idea of being married to the same person for the rest of your life sound appealing to you or not so appealing?  What is it about it that you especially like or not like?

Even though my parents divorced and most of the married couples I know closely would rather be on the moon than in their marital unions, I still find it appealing.  

What I find most appealing is being able to love and do for a man without (in theory) worrying about his motives and true feelings.  

It means being “all in,” which you can't do with every Ronnie, Ricky, and Mike.   When you're single and dating, you have to watch your back.  And while dating can be fun, it incurs a heaping dose of caution.  It's riding a bike with a helmet and knee pads, swimming with a life vest.  You can never truly let your guard down.  

So yeah, I do look forward to being in a relationship where I can give all of me and not worry about feeling stupid because he doesn't feel the same way.

[Delect Inject: Okay, just feel the need to say this.  I'm aware that husbands make wives feel stupid too.  And yes, I know marriage is not a walk in the park.  No rose-colored glasses here, folks (see first sentence of this column).]

What I especially don't like about the idea of being married is for a man to feel obligated to be with me.  

I'm not into making people do what they don't want to do, whether it's loaning me money or giving me a ride.  (That's why I sucked at telemarketing.)  I'm quick to say, "You know what?  Don't worry about it," if I detect too much hesitation.  Maybe it's pride.

When it comes to relationships, I've grown to the point where if the other party is no longer interested, I won't stand in his way to leave.  I just don't feel I need to force someone to be with me.  

"And I don't want to make you unhappy/If you're not happy than you're free to go on/'Cause I don't want you stayin' around/If I make you so miserable." 

-Fantasia "Free Yourself"

I don't want a man sticking around because he fears I'm going to burn up his clothes, scratch up his car, slice off his penis, or worse, kill him or myself.  In other words, I'd try to make it as smooth as possible for him to exit if that is his wish.

By no means am I saying I can't work through problems.  People that know me know I'm as diplomatic and let's-sit-down-and-talk-about-our-feelings-Dr. Phil-style as they come.  It's a Libra thing.

But in the event my husband resigns to staying in the marriage out of obligation...because he doesn't believe in divorce or because of the kids or for any other reason besides the love he has for me...I'd have to seriously overhaul my mentality to deal with that.


~Lisi P. said...

You're right; if someone isn't happy, then no point in everyone being miserable!! Life is to short to be miserable. There are other fish in the sea! AND I want to spend that time with someone who has reciprocal feelings as mine.

Delect said...

Lisi P.,

Yes, life is too short to be miserable. I totally agree! But depending on what you believe, misery isn't a justifiable reason for divorce...which is why obligation made my list of "not looking forward to's."

torrance said...

Man, I just had this conversation tonight with my lady. Children, financial attachment, "the starting all overness" (not a word, I know) . These things may make a person stick through misery or unhappiness. I myself, have never been afraid of relationships, but while younger did not want to commit fully until things in my life were where I desired them to be. Because I believe people commit (marriage) to soon to another before they even had a chance to commit to themselves. Meaning to know what they really want, not just for the moment, but in the future. I believe a lot of us, the people just lack self awareness...knowing who we want, but not who we need, where we wanna be, but don't know the way to get there. Then we meet that special someone, lose focus (b/c hey that's what love or infatuation does.) Most of us take time to learn what the other likes, become that ,then put aside our own small pet peeves w/ them, and commit so that we don't lose them. All of this, and the relationship is still relatively new, and shiny. Later, the small pet peeves don't seem small any longer, the newness is gone, and now you've grown out of your cocoon, and now know what you really desired in life. But now you have a husband/wife, well I hope before it got to that point the two of you had a friendship,a real one..... Taj1 peace p.s. I'm speaking for the men, now. "Nothing makes a man feels better than a good woman, cooks,and clean and be down for whatever " method man

torrance said...

Oh yeah, all of that and I never got to the point. Learn who you are, and when that he/she comes along ,be there friend for as long as possible (they are more likely to show all their sides). And if you know yourself and be honest you might avoid the feeling obligated or being obligated to feeling. In saying all that (sorry,I can speak on this for days. Leo thing) . I'm still very much down for being committed, to one, for the rest of my life. Keep the topics coming,cause I keep comments coming. Peace. Taj1

Delect said...


You speak the truth man! Thanks for your comment.

A lot of people do commit to marriage too soon. Often times, men and women included, are just "ready to settle down." And why do we say that? That means the decision is based on where you are in life as opposed to meeting the person you want to spend your life with.