Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Film Connect: Twilight


Silly girl falls for ashen otherworldly he's-so-bad-for-you guy.  An American tale.  The story of many women's lives.  

Context Going In

I've never gotten into the vampire genre, but with my free Netflix trial, I figure, what the heck.  Let's see what all the hoopla's about.  A former co-worker tried to help me understand the appeal of a neck-biting centurion adolescent and why she'd seen the movie several times, preordered the DVD, read the books, and owned Twilight memorabilia.  

The closest I can relate to being  even remotely excited about a vampire was the shag rockin' Eddie Murphy in Vampire in Brooklyn.  But I doubt they even made T-shirts for that flick.


"We shouldn't be friends," Edward informs Bella in the school cafeteria.  

Okay, I was flowing with the story up until this point.  I haven't been to the bathroom.  I'm not even on the Internet.  When did this "friendship" happen.  They worked together in biology, chatted in the hallway. Now they're friends?  Kids, I tell ya.

Then Bella gets all aggressive with the questions.  You saved my life by halting a car with your bare hand?  You owe me answers! 

Bella's onto Edward's underworldly secret, the reason why he's so fast, so powerful, so ashy.  He  confesses.

"Ask me the most basic question...what do we eat,"  Edward says.  Hmmm, is that really the most basic question?  Because if I was alone in a foggy forest with a vampire, that wouldn't be the first question to come to my mind.   

Edward:  You need to see what I look like in the sunlight.  (*Eye roll*)

Bella:  It's like diamonds.  You're beautiful.  (*Eye roll*)

Award for Most Asinine Conversation I've Heard in a Long Time, Real or Imaginary:

Edward:  I'm a killer.
Bella:  I don't believe that.
Edward:  It's because you believe the lie, the camouflage.  I'm the world's most dangerous predator...I'm designed to kill."

Wait for it, wait for it...

Bella:  I don't care.

Oh snap!  Nobody told me Twilight was a comedy!  Oh oh, there's more!

Edward:  I've killed people before.
Bella:  It doesn't matter.

*gasp, shriek, hyperventilating laughter*

I'm all for the Hollywood love story of undying (pun intended) passion, but this is ludicrous.  The relationship develops out of nowhere.  No build.  Cotton candy dialogue.  Not believable.

However, vampire baseball featuring ultra powered beings is a vividly monochrome slow motion moment of cool, which only lasts a sliver of time. 


I smirked through Twilight not because I'm too old to appreciate teenage infatuation with really bad things, but because the movie serves more cheese than Kraft.    It's as weak as a deer in the meadow, clutched betwixt Edward's perfect teeth.   Much of the dialogue would feature well in a vampire spoof movie...no additional jokes required. 


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